


"I'll Walk You Home."

by impulse_baker



Series: 100 Ways to Say 'I Love You' [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode: s09e06 Heaven Can't Wait, Guilt, M/M, POV Castiel, Pining, implied bed sharing, this one kind of got away from me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-06
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2019-02-11 08:44:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12931698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impulse_baker/pseuds/impulse_baker
Summary: Castiel and Dean are both facing the aftermath of Cas having to leave the Bunker after the fall of the angels, both in their own way. Except that both ways include a lot of fucking guilt and pining.





	"I'll Walk You Home."

**Author's Note:**

> It starts off in Cas' POV but the section between the dotted lines are in Dean's POV. It switches back to Cas after that

Dean Winchester was protective of those he loved. That was no secret, not to the man himself or anyone who knew him. Sometimes he could be overbearing about it but ultimately it came from a good heart.

Therefore, when he told Castiel that he could not stay at the Bunker, he understood. Or at least, he tried making himself to. He reasoned that he was being hunted and of course, Dean could not risk Sam’s safety, especially when he was still recovering from the Trials. Sam was the priority. Castiel always knew that. What pained him was that up until then, he thought that Dean cared for him, too. Of course, he held nowhere near as much significance for him as Sam did, but still. He thought Dean concerned himself with Castiel’s well-being. It was selfish and arrogant of him to think so, and it ached to have that notion cut down.

He was an ally to the Winchesters but without his powers and with the target on his head, he was more of a liability to them than anything, so it made perfect sense that Dean couldn’t afford to keep him around. He “sucked at hunting” and was a “baby in a trench coat”, as Dean put it. For the sake of their safety, he had to be separated from them.

Getting a job at the Gas-N-Sip was like a miracle to the former angel. Nora was kind and he found dignity in the honesty of his work. There was order. He had a role. He was a functioning and integral part of the establishment and that gave him a sense of fulfillment during his working hours. However, when the store was closed, and he had nothing to do and nowhere to go, the weight of his failures burdened his breathing and chased away any possibilities of sleep. He found comfort in neither the cold hard floor beneath the thin sleeping bag, nor the water stained ceiling of the store room. He craved the familiarity of the shelves filled with books that lined the walls in the Bunker. He missed the aroma of the brand name coffee that the older Winchester indulged in brewing early in the mornings. He yearned for the relaxed greetings he received while Dean was still in his robe, shuffling about the kitchen. During those long hours, he would close his eyes and remember what his soul looked like. He could not see it anymore, but in his mind’s eye it was vivid. He bid himself remember what it felt like to exist in the presence of the Righteous Man’s soul, although he long since stopped thinking of it as such. It was Dean’s soul. That name was more meaningful to him than any title, divinely given or otherwise. To Castiel, he was _Dean,_ and that meant everything.

He supposed this was all part of his penance. It was the order of the universe. He had been the source of a lot bad and it was fitting that he was cast out by the one he trusted above all else.

  
        Seeing Dean again was like a simultaneous flush of ice water through his veins and a rush of warmth under his skin.

 It was bittersweet because _how dare he come here and act like everything is fine? How dare he behave as if I mean more than an ally. How can he bathe me in his light while the impending inevitable return to darkness hangs over me?_ But most of all, he felt _love_ and _heartbreak_ and _pining_ and _adoration_ as humans felt it, unfiltered by his grace, raw and consuming.

The disappointment he felt at how willing Dean was to thrust him into arms of another overshadowed the disappointment he felt that Nora did not desire him either. Castiel scolded himself for assuming that anyone would want a relationship with him. He did not deserve it.

The encounter with Ephraim was unfortunate. It was unfortunate that another of his kin died. It was unfortunate that Dean had to come to his rescue. It was unfortunate that Castiel had to hear all the truths that his brother spoke. He was a failure.

 

*********************

 

It fucked Dean up to see Cas like this. It wrenched his gut to see and angel of the fucking Lord reduced to being _Steve, sales associate of Gas-N-Sip_. Dean did this to him. He cost the angel so much before, and now he had finally done it. He was the reason he was stripped away of who he was. Dean failed to be there when his best friend needed him. And then instead of owning up to his shortcomings and providing the protection and guidance and care that he needed when he was most vulnerable, he tossed him out. _How could I fucking do this?_

 

Dean was jealous of Nora. This was how he wished he and Cas could have met. He wished that they would have bumped into each other at the store, maybe in the chip aisle, looking for snacks for movie night. They would’ve blushed and apologized and Dean would’ve been brave, and he would’ve asked for his number and invited him over to his apartment join him. He would’ve made him dinner. He would’ve dressed up to impress him. They would’ve been nervous about their first kiss and then been insatiable after they crossed that bridge. They would’ve gone out on dates and held hands.

 He wished things could have been different.

He was happy that at least Cas could have this. He deserved this. This Nora chick seemed nice and the angel needed something good. _Something that isn’t me._ He was happy and yet he hated it. He was low enough to be able to admit in a rare moment that yes, he wanted Cas like _that_. He was masochistic enough to imagine the angel could want him back, even after all the things Dean put him through, knowing good and well that it was impossible. Cas was too good for him, in every single way imaginable.

Giving Cas money, and rides and advice were little things he wanted to offer as apologies, as repentance for what he did. But it was to make himself feel better. It was all to be able to say to himself that he did what he could in the situation he was in to try and make sure Cas was ok. _Lying, selfish bastard._

 

Everything that happened at Nora’s house was too much for Dean to address. Terror, anger and _sick relief_. It was twisted of him to be relieved that Cas wasn’t embarking on a blooming, healthy, normal relationship with this woman. But he felt it overwhelmingly, and he hated himself for it. The angel deserved better. He supposed that’s what those cheesy quotes about love were always saying about how if you love someone, you want the best for them, even if that isn’t you. Either those writers didn’t know what they were talking about, or Dean loved Cas more than could be fathomed. _Both options are shit._

At the end of the night, he just wanted to spend more time with Cas. He didn’t know when he would be able to see him again, let alone talk to him. He craved more, but he was sure the angel just wanted to rest up so he drove them back to the Gas-N-Sip without thinking. He just remembered that Cas had told him he lived somewhere nearby. When he parked, Cas started getting out of the car and he just couldn’t let him go like that. He needed more. He needed to make sure he got where he needed to be safely.

“No, wait, Cas.”

“Yes?” His eyes were tired, but the blue was iridescent as ever to Dean, even without his grace.

“I’ll walk you home.”

 

******************************

 

“I’ll walk you home.”

Shame clawed at his insides. He was a failure as an angel, and now he was a failure as a human. He did not have a real place to stay. How would he tell Dean he was taking shelter in the store room at the gas station? How would he explain he wasn’t earning enough to be able to afford to eat _and_ pay rent?

“Come on man, I just, you know, want to make sure you get home safe.”

“I umm…this is it.” _I don’t have a place to stay._ “I don’t technically have a home.” _You are my home._ “I have been making do with sleeping here.” _I have not been sleeping I have only been thinking of you._ “It has been ok, mostly.” _I just want to be good enough for you._

“What the hell, man? No fucking way I’m letting you spend another night sleeping there.” Dean reached across him and shut the passenger door and jolted Baby into reverse, taking off, away from the Gas-N-Sip.

“Dean, where are we going?” Castiel’s human heart could not withstand anymore of this day.

“To a damn motel. I’m going to put a credit card on file for you so you can stay as long as you need to. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me. I would have given you…” The rest of Dean’s sentence was inaudible to Castiel, and he shrank into the seat, away from the hunter’s fuming words. When they arrived at some indistinct motel, Dean got out and told him to sit tight, and that he would be right back. The angel did not have much time to fester in his own shame because Dean returned and resumed his place in the driver’s side.

“So I tried to get a double queen room for tonight and then switch to a single king for as long as you need to stay, but the lady said that they only have single rooms available. I took it, because, well, you’ve kind of had a shit day and I want you to be able to shower and sleep and stuff. I can just go, I guess. Like, I don’t know, I guess I wanted to rest up before I headed back in the morning but –”

“Stay.” Castiel interrupted his ramblings. “You should stay. We will be fine. We have had to share rooms before when it has been the three of us.” He recognized he just wanted one more night in Dean’s company before they parted indefinitely.

“Are you sure?”

“Unless you have strong objections to it, I am perfectly amenable.”

That was how they found themselves on the single bed, sitting with their shoes and socks off, next to each other in bed with a laptop between them, watching an old Western movie that Castiel already forgot the title of. The dialogue was cheesy. The bed was far too soft and the comforter was a little scratchy and the strong smell of cleaner permeated from the bathroom, but none of that mattered. This was as close to home as he could get. He was with Dean.

**Author's Note:**

> This one got away from me. I really intended this series to be a buttload of fluff with a bit of pining and this one was just all piningpiningpining and I'm sorry. Kind of. Because let's face it...Castiel and Dean are just guilt ridden beings.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it! Let me know what you think!
> 
> Previous Work: "Come Here. Let Me Fix It."  
> Next Work: "Have a Good Day at Work."


End file.
